I spent last week out on adventure with six teens and a few other adults. Four days on rivers, camping out, smashing mosquitoes, chasing fireflies, and keeping the sand out of our food. Mom stayed with our daughter while Jim worked and I cared for other folks’ kids.
Dolores LaChapelle, of Silverton fame, suggested that the nuclear family is detrimental to children’s health. She suggested we embrace a broader community. She didn’t advise creating a community – that takes a lot of work and is often a failure. However, she did suggest finding a couple of families, within walking distance of your own house, who were willing to share kids and space.
One of LaChapelle’s arguments for co-parenting with other families is that in those tough teen years the kids have other adults to whom they can go for help. No matter the relationship with parents, there are just some things that kids would rather talk about with other adults. We can’t be everything to our kids, just like we can’t fulfill every role for our partners. Parents can give themselves a break from playing superhero and just be human. Finally, says LaChapelle, sharing the parenting takes the pressure off of the kids to please the two ‘all-powerful’ adults in the nuclear household.
By sharing our kids with other adults, we all benefit. One of the moms looked at me after camp and said, “I couldn’t do this. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my own kids afterwards.” The secret is, I enjoy my own kid more after spending a week with others. I understand her better, for one. I get to see that it’s not just her who has to change her clothes every time they are dirty, for example. I also enjoy her company more after we have a break from each other. And, she gets to develop her relationship with other adults while I’m gone.
There are plenty of families around to provide kids with extra adults. Even hiring an ‘uncle’ is a suggested practice. Often, LaChapelle says, it was a parent’s brother who was mostly in charge of discipline. Lately, we have been reading books about Nez Percé families with our daughter. In these stories, the families of course live closely, and not only are all of the adults responsible for the children, there is one disciplinarian in the tribe, “Switch Woman,” who disciplines the children when there are extreme indiscretions. When one child causes trouble, all of the children are punished to emphasize the effects that the behavior of one individual has on the whole tribe.
We don’t live in a recognized tribe here in Norwood , but our town is small, and lots of adults do look out for the kids. That’s the beauty of a small population. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but what is most important is that lots of our kids do have relationships with adults besides their parents. We all have the kids, and that’s just how it ought to be.